Think Laugh Learn Blog

 This is the handout for a recent set of workshops I am giving for parents and children. The activities include family drawings, designing dialogues to deal with conflict, and group problem-solving sessions to develop resilience. The workshop centers around three basic concepts: Respect, communications, and resilience.

    RESPECT: how do we treat each other?

"It's fair to say that if you don't teach your children to honor you, you'll have a very hard time teaching them anything else."

Wendy Mogel, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

Questions to ask yourself about respect:

•           Do you allow your children to interrupt you?

•           Do you have a designated place at the table?

•           Do your children consistently argue or contradict your words?

•           Do they talk back to you in public?

•           Do they respect your privacy? Do they enter your room or take your things          without asking?

Remember: it is your home, and you are in charge. Your children need a parent, not a friend.

COMMUNICATION: How do we express ourselves to one another?

"What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart....To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas: 1) observations; 2) feelings; 3) needs; 4) requests."

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Script for "Language of Life" communication:

•           OBSERVE WITHOUT JUDGMENT: "I see in your family picture that you have a concern about the invasion of the privacy of your room by your brother."

•           EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS: "I have that issue, too, and I feel disappointed           when I find things missing from my office that turn up in your room."

•           EXPRESS YOUR NEED: "I need you - as well as your brother - to respect the privacy of everyone's belongings in this house."

•           MAKE A REQUEST: "Can we set up a family discussion tonight to talk about this with the entire family?"

Remember:  it's better to stay connected than to be right. Use non-violent communication to

find win-win solutions for your family.

RESILIENCE: How do we respond to challenges?

"Every word and action can send a message. It tells children...how to think about themselves. It can be a fixed mindset message that says: You have permanent traits and I'm judging them. Or it can be a growth mindset message that says: You are a developing person and I am interested in your development."

Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

            Develop resilience by changing your approach to life from fixed to a growth mindset:

                        Fixed Mindset:                                 Growth Mindset:    

                        Intelligence is static...                     Intelligence can be developed...   

                        Look smart at all costs...                  Remain curious and humble...

                        Avoid challenges...                           Embrace challenges...

                        Give up on obstacles...                    Persist in the face of obstacles...

                        Effort is fruitless...                           Effort is the key...

                        Ignore negative feedback...            Learn from negative feedback...

                        Feel threatened by the                   Find inspiration in the

                              success of others...                          success of others...       

                        Lose interest if things are hard... Get motivated if things are hard...

Parents can be examples of either mindset for their children. Wouldn't we want those we serve and love to see life as an unfolding adventure rather than a process of protecting themselves from the trials and tribulations of the world? And how can you build resilience if you always give up too easily (i.e., "That's not for me"...."I just don't have the talent"..."I'm too (old/tired/busy) for that")?

Remember: People who live long and productive lives never stop learning from their mistakes and continually work on themselves and their skills.

___________________________________________________________      

Parenting is the hardest job many of us will ever do. Be gentle with yourself and enjoy the journey.

It is my privilege to work with each of you.           

In peace,

Teacher John

"Let your life speak" gets at the heart of Quakerism as an experiential faith: we strive to live what we believe and do as we say. Each one of us may be challenged by a particular testimony - simplicity comes to mind for me - yet we move forward, without judgment of one another's sincere efforts, to embrace the belief that our relationship with the Spirit is immediate and immanent in our daily lives.

So what does each of us do to embrace a "call to action"? It can be as simple as this: change one thing in your life:

·         Pick one area you would like to improve and brainstorm ideas for change.

·         Be humble and simple in your choices: small steps can lead to big results.

·         Pick something you will do ("purchase more Fair Trade items") rather than something you will stop doing ("stop eating sweets").

·         Make a simple plan to remind yourself of this new endeavor (a note on the fridge, a daily message on your phone, a gentle nudge from a family member).

·         Go "public" with your plan: we do better when others know of our efforts to make changes in our lives.

·         Bounce back from slips and have a sense of humor about yourself and how hard it is to create change in our lives!

John Dewey said that the goal of education is "to build a world." We can strive every day to create the tools that will enable each of us to become architects of a world that embraces all beings with love and compassion. Blessings on your efforts!

Teacher John Scardina

The new studies show that every tantrum has an arc - from yelling and screaming to whining and crying - that seems universal. In addition, the emotions behind the tantrum are complex. Anger (easy to spot!) and sadness (usually masked at first) are there throughout, and the goal is to get past the anger and into the sadness. Once the child is sad - crying, whimpering, now looking for affection - the tantrum is reaching its end. Now we might find a chance to talk and reassure.

Why not reason with the child during the anger stage? Their brains are already "full" - they are in fact overwhelmed as well as being overwhelming - why add more information?

Tantrums are a typical part of a child's development. Don't fret: they end and we all move on!

So give this a whirl: here's the link for the NPR story about this research:

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams

In peace and with humility,

Teacher John

Quakers have long believed that human nature contains the capacity for living with others in peace. Our evolution as a species, however, has been fraught with instances of war and violence. Are we doomed by our biology - survival of the fittest amidst "nature red in tooth and claw" - or is there hope for future harmony on a greater scale?

Steven Pinker, an evolutionary psychologist at Harvard, has long been a student of human development. I have read one of his books - How The Mind Works - and found it to be an exhaustive and informative study of human cognition and brain functioning (basically we process information really well....).  Now, Pinker has published a new book, The Better Angels of Our Nature (reviewed in the New York Times on 11/29/11), which provides concrete evidence that violence has declined significantly over thousands of years. A reasonable extrapolation then becomes this statement: if incidents of violence decrease, the possibilities for peaceful resolution of conflict increase. Hope springs eternal!

For me, this is a statistical affirmation of a basic Quaker tenet: that given the proper nurture and a reliance upon the Spirit of Truth for guidance, children "grow into goodness" and continue to develop into moral adults.

 The idea of an evolution of consciousness is not new: it was articulated by Teilhard de Chardin in his book The Phenomenon of Man  and elsewhere. And, indeed, as we all "grow into goodness," would violence necessarily fall away from our lives?

In this winter celebration of the Light amidst the Darkness may our faith and our science lead us to believe that the ongoing story of humankind - our own continuing revelation - is toward peace on earth and good will to all.

With blessings,

Teacher John

In her book MINDSET: THE NEW PSYCHOLOGY OF SUCCESS, Carol Dworkin talks about fundamental differences in the way we approach the world - through school, work, and relationships - to either maximize our development as people or remain stuck in our present life situation. She presents two worldviews - the "fixed mindset" and the "growth mindset" - that represent these approaches to life:  

                        Fixed Mindset:                                 Growth Mindset:    

                        Intelligence is static...                     Intelligence can be developed...   

                        Look smart at all costs...                 Remain curious and humble...

                        Avoid challenges...                           Embrace challenges...

                        Give up on obstacles...                    Persist in the face of obstacles...

                        Effort is fruitless...                           Effort is the key...

                        Ignore negative feedback...            Learn from negative feedback...

                        Feel threatened by the                   Find inspiration in the

                              success of others...                          success of others...       

                        Lose interest if things are hard...  Get motivated if things are hard...

Parents can be examples of either mindset for their children, as can teachers for the students in their classrooms. Wouldn't we want those we serve and love to see life as an unfolding adventure rather than a process of protecting themselves from the trials and tribulations of the world? And how can you build resilience if you always give up too easily (i.e., "That's not for me"...."I just don't have the talent"..."I'm too (old/tired/busy) for that")?

Quaker schools embody the growth mindset. Human development is seen as the :"continuing revelation" of our gifts as we "grow into goodness" and build fulfilling lives, day by day.

SO - Try new experiences (the opera, NASCAR, a yoga class)...learn a new skill or hobby (the violin, welding, sailing)...read about people who can be role models (Michael Jordan, Mother Teresa, the Quakers)...ask yourself "what would (my role model) do in this situation?" and see if you can act in a positive way, too...learn to give and receive feedback with compassion and acceptance.

People who live long and productive lives never stop learning from their mistakes and continually work on themselves and their skills. How about trying on a "growth mindset"?                         

This book is a gem: a practical and hands-on approach to human relationships that stresses connection and empathy over "being right" and "getting what you want." Rosenberg comes from the violent streets of Detroit and knows the value of language in getting out of tight situations. A student of Carl Rogers and a proponent of peace education around the world, he is a beacon of hope for me in laying out his approach to what some have called "authentic" conversations.

Rosenberg lays out four main steps toward compassionate dialogue:

·        Observation: what you see, presented without judgment or emotion.

"I see that there has been a disagreement between you and your brother."

·        Feeling: what you feel, presented with ownership for the emotion and free from blame or projection.

"I feel disappointed in myself as a parent in not being a more effective role model for you two when I engage in arguing myself."

·        Need: what you need from the situation, making yourself vulnerable to another while clearly expressing your own incomplete ability to change a situation.

"I need a chance to talk with you both so that we can come up with ways

 to improve this situation."

·        Request: a statement that truly asks without demanding, keeping the focus on enhancing both yourself and the other person.

"Will you both come sit with me in an hour so that we can work on this?"

Sounds simple, eh? Recent experiences of my own suggest otherwise, since I have been educated in the language of blame, denial, and projection. I can already see that this will be a life-long process, yet I remain excited by the chance to enhance my relationships with others and promote more peaceful interactions in this world.

Changing how we speak and relate to one another takes time, and this book is a wonderful companion on this journey. I recommend it highly to you.

In peace and with humility,

Teacher John

Every school year begins with a learning curve: teachers and students need to learn about one another and develop a style and routine that will (hopefully) lead to a successful experience. Why not help the process along by creating a learning biography for your student?

Start with a photograph - either paste one onto a page or download one from the computer - that captures your child's personality. Then sit down with your child to complete the following, discussing each point and coming to some agreement about the most honest and helpful answers that could be given:

1)     I am a (good/fair/poor) student in the classroom.

2)     I am a (good/fair/poor) student at home.

3)     Three things in life that I absolutely love to do are a)_______________ b)______________________c) _____________________.

4)     Three specific skills I hope to learn and/or improve this year are a)_______________ b)___________________c)___________________.

5)     My favorite subject area is __________________________because _________________________.

6)     My most challenging subject area is _____________________because ___________________.

7)     I describe myself as (circle all that apply): self-motivated   a lover of learning   an independent learner   a detail person   attentive   impulsive   fidgety   a reluctant learner   organized   sloppy   forgetful   curious   bored distracting   distractible   competitive   a team player  critical of others   critical of myself   a teacher's pet responsible   lazy   critical of myself  

a class clown   a positive person a negative person    ______________________

8)     I wish I could be more like this (circle all that apply): self-motivated a lover of learning   an independent learner   a detail person   attentive   organized  curious   competitive   a team player  a teacher's pet responsible  a positive person ________________________________________________

9)     The most important goal I have for myself this year is _____________________.

End with your student writing a brief note to the teacher, followed by a brief note from you. Then send it off to school and know that you and your child have done something positive to start the new year in school. What are you waiting for?

          The end of the school year and the advent of summer vacation can be a cherished time in the life of a child. I can still picture in my mind being 9 years old, on the last half-day of school, coming home at noon and realizing that I could play baseball every day until September. I was sitting in front of my house, my baseball mitt and a brand new ball in my hands, waiting for my friends to arrive. I can still feel that sense of joyful anticipation, with a wide-open sense of possibility.  It is, in fact, a feeling I still yearn for over fifty years later.

          Parents may celebrate the end of the school year too, but there are also challenges for working families: child care needs, camp costs, and the logistics of getting everyone from one activity to the next. How can we make the most of this time, given the realities and stresses of our lives? How can we join our children in this celebration of summer, even in the midst of our daily responsibilities?

          Here are some hopefully helpful ideas to ponder for a joyful and productive summer vacation:

 S - spend time together that's unstructured: "wasting time"

       sitting outside together may be just what you need...

U - upbeat attitudes are contagious: there's more time
       to share positive thoughts and feelings...

M - making time for what we value remains important: read

        more, learn more, do community service, make art...

M - memories come from "stupid life stuff": activities like

        sidewalk art or a water fight can be the most fun...

E - enter into the natural world every chance you can:

      we live on an island - get out there!

R - remember that life is a journey, not a race: slow is

       better than fast, so we can stop along the way...

T - thank the universe every day for all of your gifts: an

      attitude of gratitude is contagious...

I - invest in the future by making goals now: read books

     together; learn about birds; start a children's garden...

M - meet new people and make better friends with those you

     know: we all need a community of caring individuals...

E - enjoy your kids - they grow up fast, you know!

How do we keep ourselves "right-sized" as we go through our daily routines? What allows us to keep things in proper perspective, seeking to find a balance in our approach to the world?

My wife and I recently joined two other couples on a trip to South America. After some sightseeing in Peru, we crossed over into Bolivia, where we met with the staff from the Quaker Bolivia Link (QBL), an international organization dedicated to the reduction of poverty amongst the indigenous peoples who live around La Paz. Projects are developed with eligible communities, with each family making a contribution to the effort and each community taking on the responsibility for future monitoring and maintenance of the projects. Travelling to a different village and a different project each day - projects such as community water systems, solar greenhouses, llama herd management, and trout farming - we came to meet many people from remote villages, living above 12,000 feet on the altiplano with few personal possessions and the barest of living accommodations. Delighted by our presence, and thankful for the organization's support, these men, women, and children were uniformly friendly and smiling, sharing with us their food and music and dancing in ways that were heartwarming and remarkable. It was a brilliant reminder that simplicity need not be onerous but can also embrace joyfulness. It also became clear that individual needs that are met through community efforts are further enriched by the sharing of hard work and dedication amongst neighbors and friends.

This has become my favorite way to travel - to experience the world's wonders and also meet the world's people in meaningful ways. Given our relative affluence, might we look to "service travel" more often for ourselves and our families?

My hope is that we might keep ourselves "right-sized" in our desires and hopes, being mindful of the level of need around the world and the limited resources available on our planet. Simplicity and community - two of our Quaker testimonies - are useful guidelines for keeping "right-sized" as we move forward in our lives.

Wishing one and all a blessed and healthy spring...     

In peace,

Teacher John Scardina  

I recently spent time in El Salvador, building a house in the village of San Jose Villanueva. Six colleagues from Friends Academy (a Quaker school on Long Island) and I worked through the Epilogos Foundation in providing a liveable space for a family whose only source of income is selling tamales and cheese to neighbors. It was a life-changing experience, but more importantly brought home several lessons about service to others:

·        We are always better off than someone else: even when our condition in life seems to be at the bottom, there are others in greater need. Perspective is a valuable gift that can keep us from feeling "too big" or "too small" - what one psychiatrist calls the "grandiosity versus despair" continuum.

·        Giving of time and work is valuable in a different way from giving money : The opportunity to experience with body, mind, and spirit the actual living environment of those we serve is what makes actual service in person a deeper experience. We were lucky enough to be working side by side with the family who would live in the house, and the bonds that formed between us and that family are quite remarkable.

·        Service is the best antidote to depression: Carl Roger, a pioneer in client-centered psychology, was once asked what to do when one felt profoundly depressed. His answer was quite telling: pack a bag, leave your home, find someone worse off than you are, and be of service. While in El Salvador, we met with Sister Peggy O'Neill, who runs the Centro Art para la Paz (Art Center for Peace) in the town of Suchitoto and who has been in El Salvador since 1986, which was the middle of the twelve year war that ravaged the people of that country. Her commitment to service and healing through art that was forged in the midst of the horrors of war shines on her face, even as she speaks of unspeakable atrocities she witnessed.  Sister Peggy exemplifies what William James called "the religion of healthy mindedness" - the choice to be positive and life-affirming in one's actions and thoughts - and her commitment to others is a valuable model for overcoming our often self-indulgent mindset.

·        Service benefits the giver as much as the receiver: To quote Mario, the Salvadoran brother-in-law of one of my colleagues: "Thank you for coming to El Salvador and helping those who really need it. I'm sure you've changed some lives, as well as your own." This certainly changed my life.

 Doing service as a family is a valuable way to exemplify the values we wish to embody as parents and wish to see in our children: love towards others, gratitude for what we have, and an unselfish willingness to make the world a better place. We can find opportunities for service everywhere, so don't be put off by lack of funds or time. Remember Kant's categorical imperative - "Act in every situation as you would wish every other person to act" - and go out and make a difference.