Recently in family values Category

 This is the handout for a recent set of workshops I am giving for parents and children. The activities include family drawings, designing dialogues to deal with conflict, and group problem-solving sessions to develop resilience. The workshop centers around three basic concepts: Respect, communications, and resilience.

    RESPECT: how do we treat each other?

"It's fair to say that if you don't teach your children to honor you, you'll have a very hard time teaching them anything else."

Wendy Mogel, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

Questions to ask yourself about respect:

•           Do you allow your children to interrupt you?

•           Do you have a designated place at the table?

•           Do your children consistently argue or contradict your words?

•           Do they talk back to you in public?

•           Do they respect your privacy? Do they enter your room or take your things          without asking?

Remember: it is your home, and you are in charge. Your children need a parent, not a friend.

COMMUNICATION: How do we express ourselves to one another?

"What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart....To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas: 1) observations; 2) feelings; 3) needs; 4) requests."

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Script for "Language of Life" communication:

•           OBSERVE WITHOUT JUDGMENT: "I see in your family picture that you have a concern about the invasion of the privacy of your room by your brother."

•           EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS: "I have that issue, too, and I feel disappointed           when I find things missing from my office that turn up in your room."

•           EXPRESS YOUR NEED: "I need you - as well as your brother - to respect the privacy of everyone's belongings in this house."

•           MAKE A REQUEST: "Can we set up a family discussion tonight to talk about this with the entire family?"

Remember:  it's better to stay connected than to be right. Use non-violent communication to

find win-win solutions for your family.

RESILIENCE: How do we respond to challenges?

"Every word and action can send a message. It tells children...how to think about themselves. It can be a fixed mindset message that says: You have permanent traits and I'm judging them. Or it can be a growth mindset message that says: You are a developing person and I am interested in your development."

Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

            Develop resilience by changing your approach to life from fixed to a growth mindset:

                        Fixed Mindset:                                 Growth Mindset:    

                        Intelligence is static...                     Intelligence can be developed...   

                        Look smart at all costs...                  Remain curious and humble...

                        Avoid challenges...                           Embrace challenges...

                        Give up on obstacles...                    Persist in the face of obstacles...

                        Effort is fruitless...                           Effort is the key...

                        Ignore negative feedback...            Learn from negative feedback...

                        Feel threatened by the                   Find inspiration in the

                              success of others...                          success of others...       

                        Lose interest if things are hard... Get motivated if things are hard...

Parents can be examples of either mindset for their children. Wouldn't we want those we serve and love to see life as an unfolding adventure rather than a process of protecting themselves from the trials and tribulations of the world? And how can you build resilience if you always give up too easily (i.e., "That's not for me"...."I just don't have the talent"..."I'm too (old/tired/busy) for that")?

Remember: People who live long and productive lives never stop learning from their mistakes and continually work on themselves and their skills.

___________________________________________________________      

Parenting is the hardest job many of us will ever do. Be gentle with yourself and enjoy the journey.

It is my privilege to work with each of you.           

In peace,

Teacher John

Quakers have long believed that human nature contains the capacity for living with others in peace. Our evolution as a species, however, has been fraught with instances of war and violence. Are we doomed by our biology - survival of the fittest amidst "nature red in tooth and claw" - or is there hope for future harmony on a greater scale?

Steven Pinker, an evolutionary psychologist at Harvard, has long been a student of human development. I have read one of his books - How The Mind Works - and found it to be an exhaustive and informative study of human cognition and brain functioning (basically we process information really well....).  Now, Pinker has published a new book, The Better Angels of Our Nature (reviewed in the New York Times on 11/29/11), which provides concrete evidence that violence has declined significantly over thousands of years. A reasonable extrapolation then becomes this statement: if incidents of violence decrease, the possibilities for peaceful resolution of conflict increase. Hope springs eternal!

For me, this is a statistical affirmation of a basic Quaker tenet: that given the proper nurture and a reliance upon the Spirit of Truth for guidance, children "grow into goodness" and continue to develop into moral adults.

 The idea of an evolution of consciousness is not new: it was articulated by Teilhard de Chardin in his book The Phenomenon of Man  and elsewhere. And, indeed, as we all "grow into goodness," would violence necessarily fall away from our lives?

In this winter celebration of the Light amidst the Darkness may our faith and our science lead us to believe that the ongoing story of humankind - our own continuing revelation - is toward peace on earth and good will to all.

With blessings,

Teacher John

          The end of the school year and the advent of summer vacation can be a cherished time in the life of a child. I can still picture in my mind being 9 years old, on the last half-day of school, coming home at noon and realizing that I could play baseball every day until September. I was sitting in front of my house, my baseball mitt and a brand new ball in my hands, waiting for my friends to arrive. I can still feel that sense of joyful anticipation, with a wide-open sense of possibility.  It is, in fact, a feeling I still yearn for over fifty years later.

          Parents may celebrate the end of the school year too, but there are also challenges for working families: child care needs, camp costs, and the logistics of getting everyone from one activity to the next. How can we make the most of this time, given the realities and stresses of our lives? How can we join our children in this celebration of summer, even in the midst of our daily responsibilities?

          Here are some hopefully helpful ideas to ponder for a joyful and productive summer vacation:

 S - spend time together that's unstructured: "wasting time"

       sitting outside together may be just what you need...

U - upbeat attitudes are contagious: there's more time
       to share positive thoughts and feelings...

M - making time for what we value remains important: read

        more, learn more, do community service, make art...

M - memories come from "stupid life stuff": activities like

        sidewalk art or a water fight can be the most fun...

E - enter into the natural world every chance you can:

      we live on an island - get out there!

R - remember that life is a journey, not a race: slow is

       better than fast, so we can stop along the way...

T - thank the universe every day for all of your gifts: an

      attitude of gratitude is contagious...

I - invest in the future by making goals now: read books

     together; learn about birds; start a children's garden...

M - meet new people and make better friends with those you

     know: we all need a community of caring individuals...

E - enjoy your kids - they grow up fast, you know!

How do we keep ourselves "right-sized" as we go through our daily routines? What allows us to keep things in proper perspective, seeking to find a balance in our approach to the world?

My wife and I recently joined two other couples on a trip to South America. After some sightseeing in Peru, we crossed over into Bolivia, where we met with the staff from the Quaker Bolivia Link (QBL), an international organization dedicated to the reduction of poverty amongst the indigenous peoples who live around La Paz. Projects are developed with eligible communities, with each family making a contribution to the effort and each community taking on the responsibility for future monitoring and maintenance of the projects. Travelling to a different village and a different project each day - projects such as community water systems, solar greenhouses, llama herd management, and trout farming - we came to meet many people from remote villages, living above 12,000 feet on the altiplano with few personal possessions and the barest of living accommodations. Delighted by our presence, and thankful for the organization's support, these men, women, and children were uniformly friendly and smiling, sharing with us their food and music and dancing in ways that were heartwarming and remarkable. It was a brilliant reminder that simplicity need not be onerous but can also embrace joyfulness. It also became clear that individual needs that are met through community efforts are further enriched by the sharing of hard work and dedication amongst neighbors and friends.

This has become my favorite way to travel - to experience the world's wonders and also meet the world's people in meaningful ways. Given our relative affluence, might we look to "service travel" more often for ourselves and our families?

My hope is that we might keep ourselves "right-sized" in our desires and hopes, being mindful of the level of need around the world and the limited resources available on our planet. Simplicity and community - two of our Quaker testimonies - are useful guidelines for keeping "right-sized" as we move forward in our lives.

Wishing one and all a blessed and healthy spring...     

In peace,

Teacher John Scardina  

I recently spent time in El Salvador, building a house in the village of San Jose Villanueva. Six colleagues from Friends Academy (a Quaker school on Long Island) and I worked through the Epilogos Foundation in providing a liveable space for a family whose only source of income is selling tamales and cheese to neighbors. It was a life-changing experience, but more importantly brought home several lessons about service to others:

·        We are always better off than someone else: even when our condition in life seems to be at the bottom, there are others in greater need. Perspective is a valuable gift that can keep us from feeling "too big" or "too small" - what one psychiatrist calls the "grandiosity versus despair" continuum.

·        Giving of time and work is valuable in a different way from giving money : The opportunity to experience with body, mind, and spirit the actual living environment of those we serve is what makes actual service in person a deeper experience. We were lucky enough to be working side by side with the family who would live in the house, and the bonds that formed between us and that family are quite remarkable.

·        Service is the best antidote to depression: Carl Roger, a pioneer in client-centered psychology, was once asked what to do when one felt profoundly depressed. His answer was quite telling: pack a bag, leave your home, find someone worse off than you are, and be of service. While in El Salvador, we met with Sister Peggy O'Neill, who runs the Centro Art para la Paz (Art Center for Peace) in the town of Suchitoto and who has been in El Salvador since 1986, which was the middle of the twelve year war that ravaged the people of that country. Her commitment to service and healing through art that was forged in the midst of the horrors of war shines on her face, even as she speaks of unspeakable atrocities she witnessed.  Sister Peggy exemplifies what William James called "the religion of healthy mindedness" - the choice to be positive and life-affirming in one's actions and thoughts - and her commitment to others is a valuable model for overcoming our often self-indulgent mindset.

·        Service benefits the giver as much as the receiver: To quote Mario, the Salvadoran brother-in-law of one of my colleagues: "Thank you for coming to El Salvador and helping those who really need it. I'm sure you've changed some lives, as well as your own." This certainly changed my life.

 Doing service as a family is a valuable way to exemplify the values we wish to embody as parents and wish to see in our children: love towards others, gratitude for what we have, and an unselfish willingness to make the world a better place. We can find opportunities for service everywhere, so don't be put off by lack of funds or time. Remember Kant's categorical imperative - "Act in every situation as you would wish every other person to act" - and go out and make a difference.

There was a lively and interactive discussion last night at West Chester Friends School regarding diversity: how do we as a community handle our differences as we celebrate one another? Many areas of strength - as well as many areas of challenge - were shared after we began with exploration of our own positive and negative experiences with diversity over the course of our lives.

I am reminded of the mission of Friends schools - to educate the whole child as each person grows into goodness - and and glad we are "checking in" to see that all feel welcomed and supported. Quakers set the bar quite high on issues of integrity and equality - two of our core testimonies - and we need to continually monitor how we are doing as new families join our community.

For me, every time I come to the school and walk through the halls, diversity jumps out at me: art, writing, music, creative play, and meaningful reflection are woven into the very fabric of our school, with room and encouragement for individual expression and "thinking outside of the box." May this be the case for all of us in all parts of our lives!

It is, as always, my privilege to work here. Blessings to all...

In peace,

Teacher John

www. ThinkLaughLearn.com

"New Year's Resolutions" have become a part of the pop culture, usually in the context of "how long will it take before I am back to my old habits?" At the gym the staff often wink at one another as the crowds file in every January 2^nd, only to have things settle back to normal in a few weeks. Nevertheless, I still make goals in January - if only to have some sense of the journey for the next twelve months. I am reminded of this every year at this time: I use two daily meditation books for morning readings, and that sense of starting over each January 1^st (back to page one...) is a very real metaphor for the cycles of life.

Children often do well with goals, especially with some modeling and help from parents. Just as we adults might need concrete and tangible reminders of our progress - a lost on the fridge, daily weigh-ins, marks on a calendar, a regular deposit into a special account - children benefit from tangible reminders as well - stickers on a chart for days we accomplish our goal, marbles in a jar for jobs well done (with a marble taken out for days we miss our target), and money earned in the piggy bank for that special purchase that will take a long time to afford.

So how do we set goals with our children?

·        Be both realistic and optimistic: make sure at least some of the goals are easily attainable, while others might be idealistic dreams.

·        Think in terms of long term versus short term goals. Setting our sights on more distant achievements (getting a degree for an adult, or qualifying for the Olympics for a child) can build resilience and perseverance, even when there may be eventual disappointment.

·        Write your goals down and share them with others in your family. The list can be posted in a prominent place, and others can provide support and encouragement.

·        Start small - one goal for yourself, one goal for your child - and try to accomplish that goal within one month. Then move on to a new goal for each of you, maybe incorporating some long term goals along the way, and see how things progress.

·        Bounce back with style: make a good effort to show your child how to come back from initial defeats. With honesty, humility, and a good sense of humor - "Well, that was hard - no big surprise, huh? - I guess I didn't try hard enough to really change my eating habits and lose the weight, but I do believe I can make this goal happen in the next month with renewed efforts!" - we can certainly model the optimism we are trying to develop with goal setting.

So - don't just sit there, give this a try!

We are approaching the winter solstice - a time of dwindling daylight and long, cold nights. No wonder our religious holidays invoke images of light at this time of year: we all need some illumination and enlightenment.

Quakers speak of the Inner Light. George Fox, a founder of the Religious Society of Friends (which used to also be called the Children of the Light), asked us to speak to that of God in every person - yes, Quakers believe that God lives in each of us! Indeed, the Divine Spark may be most evident in our children - especially when we witness their sense of awe in these coming holidays - yet it can also thrive in us over our entire lifespan.

A Friends school is an institution that nurtures this spark, however fragile it may be in times of challenge and worry. Meeting for Worship becomes a sanctuary, a respite from the bustle of the day, and maybe a place to rekindle the flame of our being. That flame may take many forms for our students - a passion for soccer, a love of the violin, a gift for poetry, or a gentle spirit helping others - yet it can also be nurtured and fed in times of mindful worship with our community.

I believe that all of us benefit from the spiritual discipline of mindfulness as a way to renew that Inner Light and refresh our souls. Whatever your parenting and work demands might be, there can always be time for mindfulness: a yoga session - alone or with others; breathing exercises while sitting in traffic; a moment of silent grace before eating; a time for quiet reflection and (perhaps) an inspirational reading in the morning. Maybe this can be a resolution to carry over in to the New Year: spend some time being mindful every day.

Mindfulness practice is free, takes up as little or as much time and space as we choose, and is available to us all the time. May we find ways to live mindfully in the Light as we approach this season of winter and celebrate life with our loved ones.

In peace,

Teacher John 

• GIVE YOUR CHILD THE REINS: When your child is talking about a tough situation, let her finish, then say, "This must be really tough." Pause. "What are you going to do about it?" The key here is to show you are tuned in  by acknowledging the pain she is feeling, but ultimately turn it back on your child to handle it.
• CAST A VOTE OF CONFIDENCE: As your child formulates a plan, give her a boost by saying, "I see someone who is caring," or "...strong," or "...good at x, y, z." Reflecting her assets back to the child helps her realize she is capable of handling the situation, tough as it may be at first. "Say, 'I know you can handle this, but if you need help let me know,'" says Scardina. "Then leave her on her own."
• CREATE A GRATITUDE LIST: Help a kid going through a tough phase count his blessings and cultivate optimism: Have your family write up and post a gratitude list of five to ten things to be grateful for. The message: These good things in life are here to stay, regardless of challenging situations. When your child is feeling low, remind him to look over his list.
• CALL IN THE PROFESSIONALS: If your child has a rough patch and experiences sleep or appetite disruption or lethargy, or a you notice a change in relationships with family or friends, it may be time to have a therapist step in. Ask your pediatrician, family practitioner, religious leader, or school guidance counselor for references.