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 This is the handout for a recent set of workshops I am giving for parents and children. The activities include family drawings, designing dialogues to deal with conflict, and group problem-solving sessions to develop resilience. The workshop centers around three basic concepts: Respect, communications, and resilience.

    RESPECT: how do we treat each other?

"It's fair to say that if you don't teach your children to honor you, you'll have a very hard time teaching them anything else."

Wendy Mogel, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

Questions to ask yourself about respect:

•           Do you allow your children to interrupt you?

•           Do you have a designated place at the table?

•           Do your children consistently argue or contradict your words?

•           Do they talk back to you in public?

•           Do you give your children enough opportunities to help out and be responsible?

•           Do they respect your privacy? Do they enter your room or take your things          without asking?

Remember: it is your home, and you are in charge. Your children need a parent, not a friend.

COMMUNICATION: How do we express ourselves to one another?

"What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart....To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas: 1) observations; 2) feelings; 3) needs; 4) requests."

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Script for "Language of Life" communication:

•           OBSERVE WITHOUT JUDGMENT: "I see in your family picture that you have a concern about the invasion of the privacy of your room by your brother."

•           EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS: "I have that issue, too, and I feel disappointed           when I find things missing from my office that turn up in your room."

•           EXPRESS YOUR NEED: "I need you - as well as your brother - to respect the privacy of everyone's belongings in this house."

•           MAKE A REQUEST: "Can we set up a family discussion tonight to talk about this with the entire family?"

Remember:  it's better to stay connected than to be right. Use non-violent communication to

find win-win solutions for your family.

 

RESILIENCE: How do we respond to challenges?

"Every word and action can send a message. It tells children...how to think about themselves. It can be a fixed mindset message that says: You have permanent traits and I'm judging them. Or it can be a growth mindset message that says: You are a developing person and I am interested in your development."

Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

 

            Develop resilience by changing your approach to life from fixed to a growth mindset:

                        Fixed Mindset:                                 Growth Mindset:    

                        Intelligence is static...                     Intelligence can be developed...   

                        Look smart at all costs...                  Remain curious and humble...

                        Avoid challenges...                           Embrace challenges...

                        Give up on obstacles...                    Persist in the face of obstacles...

                        Effort is fruitless...                           Effort is the key...

                        Ignore negative feedback...            Learn from negative feedback...

                        Feel threatened by the                   Find inspiration in the

                              success of others...                          success of others...       

                        Lose interest if things are hard... Get motivated if things are hard...

Parents can be examples of either mindset for their children. Wouldn't we want those we serve and love to see life as an unfolding adventure rather than a process of protecting themselves from the trials and tribulations of the world? And how can you build resilience if you always give up too easily (i.e., "That's not for me"...."I just don't have the talent"..."I'm too (old/tired/busy) for that")?

Remember: People who live long and productive lives never stop learning from their mistakes and continually work on themselves and their skills.

___________________________________________________________      

Parenting is the hardest job many of us will ever do. Be gentle with yourself and enjoy the journey.

 

It is my privilege to work with each of you.           

 

In peace,

Teacher John

 

 

"Let your life speak" gets at the heart of Quakerism as an experiential faith: we strive to live what we believe and do as we say. Each one of us may be challenged by a particular testimony - simplicity comes to mind for me - yet we move forward, without judgment of one another's sincere efforts, to embrace the belief that our relationship with the Spirit is immediate and immanent in our daily lives.

So what does each of us do to embrace a "call to action"? It can be as simple as this: change one thing in your life:

·         Pick one area you would like to improve and brainstorm ideas for change.

·         Be humble and simple in your choices: small steps can lead to big results.

·         Pick something you will do ("purchase more Fair Trade items") rather than something you will stop doing ("stop eating sweets").

·         Make a simple plan to remind yourself of this new endeavor (a note on the fridge, a daily message on your phone, a gentle nudge from a family member).

·         Go "public" with your plan: we do better when others know of our efforts to make changes in our lives.

·         Bounce back from slips and have a sense of humor about yourself and how hard it is to create change in our lives!

John Dewey said that the goal of education is "to build a world." We can strive every day to create the tools that will enable each of us to become architects of a world that embraces all beings with love and compassion. Blessings on your efforts!

 

Teacher John Scardina

New research by Michael Potegal and James Green confirms what many of us childhood therapists have known for years: it is useless to try to reason with a child having a tantrum, and it is also in fact counterproductive. Sound familiar: trying to reason with your screaming three year-old, and finding the tantrum getting worse and you getting angry yoursel

 

The new studies show that every tantrum has an arc - from yelling and screaming to whining and crying - that seems universal. In addition, the emotions behind the tantrum are complex. Anger (easy to spot!) and sadness (usually masked at first) are there throughout, and the goal is to get past the anger and into the sadness. Once the child is sad - crying, whimpering, now looking for affection - the tantrum is reaching its end. Now we might find a chance to talk and reassure.

 

Why not reason with the child during the anger stage? Their brains are already "full" - they are in fact overwhelmed as well as being overwhelming - why add more information?

Tantrums are a typical part of a child's development. Don't fret: they end and we all move on!

So give this a whirl: here's the link for the NPR story about this research:

 

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams

 

In peace and with humility,

 

Teacher John

In her book MINDSET: THE NEW PSYCHOLOGY OF SUCCESS, Carol Dworkin talks about fundamental differences in the way we approach the world - through school, work, and relationships - to either maximize our development as people or remain stuck in our present life situation. She presents two worldviews - the "fixed mindset" and the "growth mindset" - that represent these approaches to life:  

                        Fixed Mindset:                                 Growth Mindset:    

                        Intelligence is static...                     Intelligence can be developed...   

                        Look smart at all costs...                 Remain curious and humble...

                        Avoid challenges...                           Embrace challenges...

                        Give up on obstacles...                    Persist in the face of obstacles...

                        Effort is fruitless...                           Effort is the key...

                        Ignore negative feedback...            Learn from negative feedback...

                        Feel threatened by the                   Find inspiration in the

                              success of others...                          success of others...       

                        Lose interest if things are hard...  Get motivated if things are hard...

Parents can be examples of either mindset for their children, as can teachers for the students in their classrooms. Wouldn't we want those we serve and love to see life as an unfolding adventure rather than a process of protecting themselves from the trials and tribulations of the world? And how can you build resilience if you always give up too easily (i.e., "That's not for me"...."I just don't have the talent"..."I'm too (old/tired/busy) for that")?

Quaker schools embody the growth mindset. Human development is seen as the :"continuing revelation" of our gifts as we "grow into goodness" and build fulfilling lives, day by day.

SO - Try new experiences (the opera, NASCAR, a yoga class)...learn a new skill or hobby (the violin, welding, sailing)...read about people who can be role models (Michael Jordan, Mother Teresa, the Quakers)...ask yourself "what would (my role model) do in this situation?" and see if you can act in a positive way, too...learn to give and receive feedback with compassion and acceptance.

People who live long and productive lives never stop learning from their mistakes and continually work on themselves and their skills. How about trying on a "growth mindset"?                         

This book is a gem: a practical and hands-on approach to human relationships that stresses connection and empathy over "being right" and "getting what you want." Rosenberg comes from the violent streets of Detroit and knows the value of language in getting out of tight situations. A student of Carl Rogers and a proponent of peace education around the world, he is a beacon of hope for me in laying out his approach to what some have called "authentic" conversations.

Rosenberg lays out four main steps toward compassionate dialogue:

·        Observation: what you see, presented without judgment or emotion.

"I see that there has been a disagreement between you and your brother."

·        Feeling: what you feel, presented with ownership for the emotion and free from blame or projection.

"I feel disappointed in myself as a parent in not being a more effective role model for you two when I engage in arguing myself."

·        Need: what you need from the situation, making yourself vulnerable to another while clearly expressing your own incomplete ability to change a situation.

"I need a chance to talk with you both so that we can come up with ways

 to improve this situation."

·        Request: a statement that truly asks without demanding, keeping the focus on enhancing both yourself and the other person.

"Will you both come sit with me in an hour so that we can work on this?"

 

Sounds simple, eh? Recent experiences of my own suggest otherwise, since I have been educated in the language of blame, denial, and projection. I can already see that this will be a life-long process, yet I remain excited by the chance to enhance my relationships with others and promote more peaceful interactions in this world.

 

Changing how we speak and relate to one another takes time, and this book is a wonderful companion on this journey. I recommend it highly to you.

 

In peace and with humility,

Teacher John

 

Every school year begins with a learning curve: teachers and students need to learn about one another and develop a style and routine that will (hopefully) lead to a successful experience. Why not help the process along by creating a learning biography for your student?

Start with a photograph - either paste one onto a page or download one from the computer - that captures your child's personality. Then sit down with your child to complete the following, discussing each point and coming to some agreement about the most honest and helpful answers that could be given:

1)     I am a (good/fair/poor) student in the classroom.

2)     I am a (good/fair/poor) student at home.

3)     Three things in life that I absolutely love to do are a)_______________ b)______________________c) _____________________.

4)     Three specific skills I hope to learn and/or improve this year are a)_______________ b)___________________c)___________________.

5)     My favorite subject area is __________________________because _________________________.

6)     My most challenging subject area is _____________________because ___________________.

7)     I describe myself as (circle all that apply): self-motivated   a lover of learning   an independent learner   a detail person   attentive   impulsive   fidgety   a reluctant learner   organized   sloppy   forgetful   curious   bored distracting   distractible   competitive   a team player  critical of others   critical of myself   a teacher's pet responsible   lazy   critical of myself  

a class clown   a positive person a negative person    ______________________

8)     I wish I could be more like this (circle all that apply): self-motivated a lover of learning   an independent learner   a detail person   attentive   organized  curious   competitive   a team player  a teacher's pet responsible  a positive person ________________________________________________

9)     The most important goal I have for myself this year is _____________________.

 

End with your student writing a brief note to the teacher, followed by a brief note from you. Then send it off to school and know that you and your child have done something positive to start the new year in school. What are you waiting for?

 

          The end of the school year and the advent of summer vacation can be a cherished time in the life of a child. I can still picture in my mind being 9 years old, on the last half-day of school, coming home at noon and realizing that I could play baseball every day until September. I was sitting in front of my house, my baseball mitt and a brand new ball in my hands, waiting for my friends to arrive. I can still feel that sense of joyful anticipation, with a wide-open sense of possibility.  It is, in fact, a feeling I still yearn for over fifty years later.

          Parents may celebrate the end of the school year too, but there are also challenges for working families: child care needs, camp costs, and the logistics of getting everyone from one activity to the next. How can we make the most of this time, given the realities and stresses of our lives? How can we join our children in this celebration of summer, even in the midst of our daily responsibilities?

          Here are some hopefully helpful ideas to ponder for a joyful and productive summer vacation:

 S - spend time together that's unstructured: "wasting time"

       sitting outside together may be just what you need...

U - upbeat attitudes are contagious: there's more time
       to share positive thoughts and feelings...

M - making time for what we value remains important: read

        more, learn more, do community service, make art...

M - memories come from "stupid life stuff": activities like

        sidewalk art or a water fight can be the most fun...

E - enter into the natural world every chance you can:

      we live on an island - get out there!

R - remember that life is a journey, not a race: slow is

       better than fast, so we can stop along the way...

T - thank the universe every day for all of your gifts: an

      attitude of gratitude is contagious...

I - invest in the future by making goals now: read books

     together; learn about birds; start a children's garden...

M - meet new people and make better friends with those you

     know: we all need a community of caring individuals...

E - enjoy your kids - they grow up fast, you know!

 

 

There was a lively and interactive discussion last night at West Chester Friends School regarding diversity: how do we as a community handle our differences as we celebrate one another? Many areas of strength - as well as many areas of challenge - were shared after we began with exploration of our own positive and negative experiences with diversity over the course of our lives.

I am reminded of the mission of Friends schools - to educate the whole child as each person grows into goodness - and and glad we are "checking in" to see that all feel welcomed and supported. Quakers set the bar quite high on issues of integrity and equality - two of our core testimonies - and we need to continually monitor how we are doing as new families join our community.

For me, every time I come to the school and walk through the halls, diversity jumps out at me: art, writing, music, creative play, and meaningful reflection are woven into the very fabric of our school, with room and encouragement for individual expression and "thinking outside of the box." May this be the case for all of us in all parts of our lives!

It is, as always, my privilege to work here. Blessings to all...

 

In peace,

 

Teacher John

www. ThinkLaughLearn.com

The Morris Junior Sailing Program and School Success:
Why having your child learn to sail can help in the classroom, too
Learning to sail is a complex activity. Sailing uses all part of the brain, engages visual, auditory, and tactile/kinesthetic learning styles. Sailing also develops resilience, cooperation skills, and a sense of environmental awareness. Here's why you should enroll your child in The Morris Junior Sailing Program:
• Current brain research suggests that activities that engage both sides of the brain - the language-oriented left hemisphere and the spatially-oriented right hemisphere - lead to better overall brain health. Sailing involves the language and sequencing of maneuvers (like tacking and jibing) as well as the spatial awareness of you, your sails, your boat, and the surrounding waters. You are constantly switching sides, using each hand on the tiller, and re-orienting yourself in space-time. You are also making lots of decisions, a process which engages the pre-frontal lobes (the last part of the brain to fully develop).
• Visual learners are always monitoring the scenery, tracking the boat and its movement through the water. Auditory learners are engaging crew members with commands, listening for the wind and the luffing of the sails, and maintaining vigilance for auditory aids to navigation. Tactile/kinesthetic learners feel the wind on their face, move their bodies across the cockpit
when the move the tiller, and experience the physical thrill of gliding through the water on a wind machine.
• Resilience is a vital skill for life-success: the ability to bounce back from adversity with positive outcomes and optimism. Sailing provides multiple chances to bounce back - from a poor tack, from a dropped winch handle, or from a wrong way maneuver on the tiller - and provides an immediate opportunity to "get back on course."
• Cooperative learning is an increasingly valuable learning skill in our inter-connected world. With two students in each boat, there is an on-board classroom for teaching how to communicate, how to get along, and how to work together to achieve a goal.
• A love of the natural world is a gift you can give to your child through sailing. In an era where children are spending more time indoors using computer/screen devices, sailing is the perfect opportunity to get outside, be active, and enjoy this beautiful planet.
So - what are you waiting for?
Morris Yacht and Beach Club member John Scardina is a school psychologist, parent educator, and child development specialist who lives on City Island. He is a certified sailing instructor (American Sailing Association) and the owner of his beloved 30' sloop Sunbow. Check out his website www.ThinkLaughLearn.com.
© John Scardina 2011

"New Year's Resolutions" have become a part of the pop culture, usually in the context of "how long will it take before I am back to my old habits?" At the gym the staff often wink at one another as the crowds file in every January 2^nd, only to have things settle back to normal in a few weeks. Nevertheless, I still make goals in January - if only to have some sense of the journey for the next twelve months. I am reminded of this every year at this time: I use two daily meditation books for morning readings, and that sense of starting over each January 1^st (back to page one...) is a very real metaphor for the cycles of life.

Children often do well with goals, especially with some modeling and help from parents. Just as we adults might need concrete and tangible reminders of our progress - a lost on the fridge, daily weigh-ins, marks on a calendar, a regular deposit into a special account - children benefit from tangible reminders as well - stickers on a chart for days we accomplish our goal, marbles in a jar for jobs well done (with a marble taken out for days we miss our target), and money earned in the piggy bank for that special purchase that will take a long time to afford.

So how do we set goals with our children?

·        Be both realistic and optimistic: make sure at least some of the goals are easily attainable, while others might be idealistic dreams.

·        Think in terms of long term versus short term goals. Setting our sights on more distant achievements (getting a degree for an adult, or qualifying for the Olympics for a child) can build resilience and perseverance, even when there may be eventual disappointment.

·        Write your goals down and share them with others in your family. The list can be posted in a prominent place, and others can provide support and encouragement.

·        Start small - one goal for yourself, one goal for your child - and try to accomplish that goal within one month. Then move on to a new goal for each of you, maybe incorporating some long term goals along the way, and see how things progress.

·        Bounce back with style: make a good effort to show your child how to come back from initial defeats. With honesty, humility, and a good sense of humor - "Well, that was hard - no big surprise, huh? - I guess I didn't try hard enough to really change my eating habits and lose the weight, but I do believe I can make this goal happen in the next month with renewed efforts!" - we can certainly model the optimism we are trying to develop with goal setting.

So - don't just sit there, give this a try!